Confessions of a Random Chick: High Tea with World Leaders

Random Chick cordially invites all f*cked up world leaders to join her for an elegant high tea to talk things out and come to a civilized resolution...or she's going to have to break out her rolling pin.

Among the distinguished guests will be of course, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad President of Iran:

Mr. Ahmadinejad, please stop pointing to our other guests in a menacing manner. We all know you could blow the s*it out of us and that this is just your way of showing the world how big your male part is, and we have acknowledged that yes, you do in fact have a male part. How big it is...well, that will be up for debate after some biscotti.

We have also invited North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-il:

Mr. Jong-il we do not wear sun glasses for high tea, and I do not recall inviting your toadies. I don't have enough Chamomile for everyone you know! And, just so you know, we will be discussing your title of "Supreme" leader in detail because I think you have a very different version of what is supreme than the rest of the world. Don't look at me like that or I will send you to the laundry room!

Random Chick is pleased to see that the President of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, has arrived:

Oh dear! I know Mr. Ahmadinejad is pointing menacingly, but that doesn't mean you have to as well! I thought you were one of the smart ones! And please kindly remove your hat. We are going to follow proper high tea etiquette here sir, aren't we?

And here comes the Chairman of the Government of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin:

MR. PUTIN! Did you not see the dress code on the invitation? And we specifically said, NO GUNS, because we didn't want all our guests to be assassinated before tea time! And seriously, NO ONE wants to see you with your shirt off. PLEASE put a shirt on right this minute!

Much better. I am telling you now, wipe that scowl off your face or you and Mr. Jong-il will be ironing all of my doilies with extra starch!

Finally, a feminine influence, as President of the Republic of India, Pratibha Patil, arrives:

What a lovely ensemble you've put together! Here my dear, sit down. Yes, I see from your two fingers that you would like world peace too. But, I know what you are thinking...NO, we will not be outsourcing high tea services to your country any time soon!

We have also invited the Paramount Leader of the People's Republic of China, Hu Jintao:

Ummm...excuse me, Mr. Jintao, you don't have to pretend to be on your cell phone to avoid any questions about Google. Today we will be talking about whether or not your government actually reflects what your people want and need, as it is called the "People's" Republic of China. NO, your cell phone is not ringing! You do not have a cell phone. They are not allowed in your country, remember?

We also could not begin our high tea without the President of the United States, Barrack Obama:

Okay, can someone please tell me what's with all the pointing? Is that all you world leaders ever do? Mr. Obama were you raised in a barn? It is impolite to point at people, even though it is much easier to do than actually do something. Did you really think it would be so easy to come in and "fix" things? Washington, D.C. is a very nasty place. Why would you even want to go there? Oh, hear I go off on a tangent. It's all of your pointing!!! Please sit down and have some Chamomile tea.

My nosey neighbor from across the street, Dolores, is serving the tea.

Thanks Dolores! LOVE your new apron, darling!

Now, that's so nice!

Mr. Obama and Mr. Putin are having a fake nice conversation. See, I knew this tea would be fun.

Oh, how sweet!

Mr. Jong-il and Mr. Putin are making nice too! Ummm...don't want to ruin all the fun but watch out for the massive wall of water behind you. Dolores, I think the washing machine is too full!

Mr. Ahmadinejad looks like he's having a nice time with his male parts.