Tired? Cranky? Bloated? Constipated? Diarrhea? Gas? Rashes in bizarre places?
Sounds like you've got problems! Or you might be a Random Chick. In any case, we need to let you loyal readers (all 4 of you) know that Random Chick is taking a wee bit of a hiatus because if she doesn't she will surely ram something up your...well, somewhere uncomfortable. Please don't cry. It only makes a mess.
Due to massive weight gain, tantrums, eternal dirty laundry, bits of crap, and other horrendously mundane aspects of life, Random Chick requires a bit of perspective. Don't ask, don't tell, okay? She also doesn't want to be left out. It seems that some of her favorite bloggers are having a secret meeting to take over the Internet somewhere in Saskatchewan as most of them are also taking a hiatus. What else could they be doing? Isn't blogging the only thing there is?
Random Chick will be back after she has eaten all the crappy chocolate she can get her hands on. Anywhoo, don't be surprised if you see a severely PMS'd woman running through Walmart looking for directions to Saskatchewan. You're free to tag along if you'd like.
We take no responsibility for ensuing panic attacks...you'll have to medicate yourself or figure out some other way to get along without the fascinatingly, witty and insightful drivel found on this blog. NO animals were harmed in the writing of this post. Except that cockroach. He had it coming.
Random Chick cordially invites all f*cked up world leaders to join her for an elegant high tea to talk things out and come to a civilized resolution...or she's going to have to break out her rolling pin.
Among the distinguished guests will be of course, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad President of Iran:
Mr. Ahmadinejad, please stop pointing to our other guests in a menacing manner. We all know you could blow the s*it out of us and that this is just your way of showing the world how big your male part is, and we have acknowledged that yes, you do in fact have a male part. How big it is...well, that will be up for debate after some biscotti.
We have also invited North Korea's Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-il:
Mr. Jong-il we do not wear sun glasses for high tea, and I do not recall inviting your toadies. I don't have enough Chamomile for everyone you know! And, just so you know, we will be discussing your title of "Supreme" leader in detail because I think you have a very different version of what is supreme than the rest of the world. Don't look at me like that or I will send you to the laundry room!
Random Chick is pleased to see that the President of Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, has arrived:
Oh dear! I know Mr. Ahmadinejad is pointing menacingly, but that doesn't mean you have to as well! I thought you were one of the smart ones! And please kindly remove your hat. We are going to follow proper high tea etiquette here sir, aren't we?
And here comes the Chairman of the Government of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin:
MR. PUTIN! Did you not see the dress code on the invitation? And we specifically said, NO GUNS, because we didn't want all our guests to be assassinated before tea time! And seriously, NO ONE wants to see you with your shirt off. PLEASE put a shirt on right this minute!
Much better. I am telling you now, wipe that scowl off your face or you and Mr. Jong-il will be ironing all of my doilies with extra starch!
Finally, a feminine influence, as President of the Republic of India, Pratibha Patil, arrives:
What a lovely ensemble you've put together! Here my dear, sit down. Yes, I see from your two fingers that you would like world peace too. But, I know what you are thinking...NO, we will not be outsourcing high tea services to your country any time soon!
We have also invited the Paramount Leader of the People's Republic of China, Hu Jintao:
Ummm...excuse me, Mr. Jintao, you don't have to pretend to be on your cell phone to avoid any questions about Google. Today we will be talking about whether or not your government actually reflects what your people want and need, as it is called the "People's" Republic of China. NO, your cell phone is not ringing! You do not have a cell phone. They are not allowed in your country, remember?
We also could not begin our high tea without the President of the United States, Barrack Obama:
Okay, can someone please tell me what's with all the pointing? Is that all you world leaders ever do? Mr. Obama were you raised in a barn? It is impolite to point at people, even though it is much easier to do than actually do something. Did you really think it would be so easy to come in and "fix" things? Washington, D.C. is a very nasty place. Why would you even want to go there? Oh, hear I go off on a tangent. It's all of your pointing!!! Please sit down and have some Chamomile tea.
My nosey neighbor from across the street, Dolores, is serving the tea. Thanks Dolores! LOVE your new apron, darling!
Now, that's so nice!Mr. Obama and Mr. Putin are having a fake nice conversation. See, I knew this tea would be fun.
Oh, how sweet!Mr. Jong-il and Mr. Putin are making nice too! Ummm...don't want to ruin all the fun but watch out for the massive wall of water behind you. Dolores, I think the washing machine is too full!
Mr. Ahmadinejad looks like he's having a nice time with his male parts.
Ms. Patil has even decided to whistle her national anthem for us.What a treat!
Oh no! Mr. Karzai is giving his assessment of Mr. Ahmandinejad's male parts! Dolores! We need some cookies and more Chamomile PRONTO!
I don't believe you for one second, Mr. Ahmandinejad!
Dolores! Control yourself!!!
Oh my stars! The neighborhood women are all up in arms!
Ethel and Gladys are wresting now! Mr. Ahmandinejad! Look what you've done!
There goes high tea!
Okay folks, I know those of you who have been blogging a while have done the Meme-thing and are so over it...but, I have a different kind of Meme for you. This is one I think you'll want to participate in because it's not only fun, but can actually save your life.
I want each of you to go into your pantry or refrigerator and pull out something. It can be crackers, chips, cookies, mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup, jalapenos, pickles...whatever. Look at the label. What do you see?
Then put on your blog the product, who makes it (follow the trail of who owns which companies), and the ingredients (find out what those things are that are in your product that you can't pronounce). Find out who REALLY makes the product, and what the ingredients are REALLY. You might be surprised. Then pick five other bloggers who will do the same thing.
This Meme is all about consciousness: being conscious of what you put into your body. If you do this, and I see it on your blog. I will send you a copy of my book: Stupid Poetry, Volume I. And now, here's what I found in my refrigerator:
Product: Best Foods REAL Mayonnaise
Manufacturer: Best Foods -> Hellman's -> Unilever (multinational food company: revenue $40 BILLION)
Ingredients: Soybean Oil, Water, Whole Eggs and Egg Yolks, Vinegar, Salt, Sugar, Lemon Juice, Calcium Disodium EDTA, Natural Flavors.
I pick: Kylie, Megan, Mr. Shife, Meleah, and MJ.
For extra credit: VISIT THIS WEBSITE!!
I don't really consider myself a political being, but something has occurred to me lately. It's not mind-blowing or even something that no one has ever come up with before. The people who "run" this country in Washington, D.C. live in a completely different world than the rest of us Americans. I think D.C. should stand for Different Country.
While most of us are concerned with paying bills, bettering our children's lives, living a good life, and taking care of those we love...those people in the different country are concerned with winning political battles, getting more funding for their pet projects, or keeping some special interest off their backs. Now, how do these two worlds ever come together? Well, they don't. Hence, the f*cked up nature of where the two worlds intersect. Like when we try to pay our taxes, send our kids to school, or attempt to run a small business. Those people in that different country either never have lived a life like ours or once did and forgot about it as soon as they walked into the White House or any other federal building for that matter. I seriously doubt that any of those people have ever had to pay a parking ticket, do their own taxes, or tell their children not to stress out from the stupid tests that are supposed to determine how smart they are.
And just so you don't sit there rolling your eyes at yet another meaningless rant on some random chick's blog, I have a solution.
The problem is those people in that different country have NO CLUE whatsoever what life is REALLY like for the average American...even though they say they know in the speeches someone else writes for them. The solution then is to make it a REQUIREMENT for ANYONE who even thinks about holding public office to live ONE YEAR as an average American, in an average American city, sending their children to public schools, and earning an average American's salary. WE THE PEOPLE should make it so because right now folks our government is about as representative of the average person as Sax Fifth Avenue is representative of Walmart.
I shall now step off my soap box and let you ponder that for a while.